The truth about change

Apr 26, 2015 by

Nicky and I before my anuerysm

My son and I before my aneurysm. My Prada sandals and I before my aneurysm..;-)

I have just written and posted Metamorphosis on my blog.

Not even five minutes have passed from when I write “I am not sure if I would change the person I am today.”, when my 6 year-old son with cookie crumbs on his face,  asks me

“when is your leg going to get better?”

I smile at him and say “I don’t know darling, but I am the same mommy as I was before..”

I don’t have time to finish, he interrupts and in a very loud voice says “NO,YOU ARE NOT THE SAME MOMMY!”

“but I  am, Nicky,..” I continue trying to soothe him.

He doesn’t let me finish.

“you can not run with me, you can not ride your bike with me, you can not pick me up or dance with me” he says.

I look deep into the dark brown eyes of my son and I see he is hurt.

I sit down on the couch and pull my son on my lap. I stroke his cheeks, and run my fingers through his head full of soft black hair and I tell him that I love him. I tell him that I am here for him, that I can still hold and hug and kiss him and love him. That I will continue to try to get better.

I promise him this. But his reaction forces me to think about what I just wrote.

I wrote I am happy to be where I am today. This is true. I have honestly found a true peace within myself knowing what I now know.

Knowing that we are not invincible.

Knowing that nothing is as important as our health and those we love.

Knowing that I no longer have to sweat the small stuff, because it is really and truly not worth it.

No, I do not feel blessed everyday that I had to go through all of this. I still can not walk after 19 months. My 6 year old son is often embarrassed to walk by my side because of my heavy limp, my husband and daughter are constantly worrying about me, and there are days that the pain in my back is so bad I need injections to relieve it.

THE TRUTH IS ALL OF US WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THE HURT AWAY FROM OUR LIVES. TO NOT HAVE LIVED IT.

I would be lying if I told you that I am different. I am not. However, many positive things came out of my illness.

My metamorphosis comes from knowing that there is a part of me that is able to see the light.

Through all the darkness that has tried to swallow my soul in these past 19 months, I continue to see the light.

This change means I can be better person because of what I now know.

Am I that person every day?

probably not.

But I am above and beyond the person I was before.. and that is my true Metamorphosis. Understanding and accepting my limits but constantly searching for the light.

 

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